I think there'll always be a part of me that wants to go back. ( it can't be helped. so much of what he is, even now, is tied up with that place. if anything, rubilykskoye has only brought these aspects of himself into sharp relief: fierce, relentless, protective. ) It's in my blood.

( quite literally. )

But I've gained as much as I've lost — more, even. And I find myself wanting to hold onto that.